Posted by Dell on 03 20 2013
My brother published his first book last week: A Place Called Shiloh Check it out on Amazon where you can get a free preview.
Dell wrote this the other night: so, what about a story about a one legged alien who goes in search of a late night meal, say… Chinese, but, the kicker, when he says Chinese he really means Chinese… so he goes to the bus stop near his home… he lives with a little old lady and her thirty seven cats… too bad he didn’t have a taste for cat, but that’s another story… so… anyway, he hits the bus stop because, well, because he’s found quick meals there before. And, low and behold, there is a young Asian person there but upon striking up a conversation he finds they are Korean… So, the alien has to ask himself, does he feel like changing his selection to Korean? Well, does he?
He and Joseph talking back and forth. If it were me I would write the story and have a blast doing it, but I put it here because I wanted you to see how much we think along the same lines. For instance the other day I went into the kitchen…
An Accidental Doughnut…
A nearly completely ridiculous short story
Copyright 2013 Geo Dell
What is the point: The point started out to be an explanation as to why I ate the doughnut that sat on the counter in the kitchen after passing it several times and not succumbing to its charm. Well, I never did answer that but this weird little story escaped instead. What is it about? Well, I was hoping you knew!
An Accidental Doughnut… A nearly completely ridiculous short story
Bob’s Fresh Doughnuts
“I think it was about… Oh, an hour ago,” I answered.
The cop shifted, pushed his cheap, yellow pencil across the page, stopped to lick the point for a second and then went back to it. He wrote and then gazed back at me, his one heavy eyebrow pushed up in the center. “And…?”
Next to him the huge German Shepherd Police Dog eyed me critically. Probably wondering what I might taste like, I told myself.
“And?” I asked innocently.
“The Doughnut… How did you happen to see the doughnut… What was it like.. What was the doughnut doing?”
“Oh… Well, when I saw the doughnut it was just over there,” I flapped a hand towards the counter and then realized in horror that there was a small glob of strawberry jelly on my index finger. I quickly dropped the hand and stuffed it into my pants pocket.
When I looked up, I hadn’t even noticed I had looked away, the cop had his eyes, just under that one eyebrow, leveled on me. Squinted, piercing. “What was that?” The dog had curled his lip, cocked his head, and was looking at me like I might be a cat on a hungry night.
“That thing you just did… With your hand… What was that about?”
“Oh, well, I was pointing at the counter… Where I last saw the doughnut… Over there,” I nodded with my head. My hand tugged at my pocket, trying to jump out and betray me. I twisted it, trying to scrape off the jelly on the inside of my pocket.
“Yes… Something wrong with your hand?” His eyes settled on mine. I could feel the conviction in them. I felt like signing a confession right then. To anything at all. Murder. Robbery. It didn’t matter. Whatever he asked me to sign… The dog whined.
I went for broke, pulled my hand from my pocket, now sweaty and sticky, and pointed at the counter. “Uh, well, right over there.” I glanced at my finger. No actual trace of the jelly. It had melted and the whole hand was now sticky. I looked up to find him staring at my hand.
“Could I see it,” he asked?
“Hey, it’s a counter top, Man… Whatever,” I said trying to sound casual.
Ha, ha,” The cop chuckled. “It’s a counter top… Good one… Your hand… Could I see your hand? You see, I thought I saw something on your hand… Looked like… Frosting or something.”
I held up my hand.
“Uh… The other one.”
I held up the sticky hand and swirled it before his eyes. “Nothing on my hand.” The middle finger stuck to the finger next to it, and that one was trying to stick to the pinky. I put a little more pressure on it and it came away. I lowered it to my side.
“Maybe I should turn out your pockets… Probably something in there,” he muttered.
The dog whined, edged forward, sniffed my hand and then began to lick it vigorously. I started to take the hand away but the dog growled so I left it. “He he,” I chuckled nervously. I shifted in my jacket, shrugged my shoulders. The dog was slurping loudly.
“The dog knows,” The cop said. He smiled broadly. He looked over his shoulder at the tech who was opening up the crime scene case to do whatever they did with those crime scene cases. “Mona,” he said loudly. “Ralphie’s got a positive!”
“Oh geez,” Mona said. She rummaged around in her case and came out with a plastic bag and a rubber band. Ralphie, the dog, I presumed, had finished the hand and was now intent on the middle finger. Sucking it so hard I was afraid he was going to take it off.
“Christ.. Easy, Ralphie,” I said. Ralphie just growled and switched to the pinky.
“Don’t talk to the dog,” The cop said. His eyebrow arched even higher into the stratosphere. “Ralphie… Release,” the cop shouted. “Release, Ralphie… Release!”
Ralphie looked up at the cop guiltily, switched to my thumb, licked hard, …Rasp… Rasp… Rasp… then gave the whole hand on more lick and let go. He looked up at me, growled lightly, then sat down, half on the cops foot.
“Geez,” Mona said as she came over. “I’d say Ralphie probably got the evidence, Earl.”
“Bag the hand, Mona,” Earl, the cop said.
Mona nodded, stepped forward, smiled nervously at me and held up the bag.
“No way are you putting that bag on my hand,” I told her. The smile fell off her face that fast.
“So… That sounds guilty to me,” Earl the cop said. Ralphie leaned forward again, paying closer attention. If Earl thought I was a bad guy Ralphie believed him.
“Look… The doughnut was on the counter…. I walked by… I saw the doughnut… Maybe the doughnut was eaten by another cop… How do I know. You can’t arrest me for that,” I said. I stifled a small burp that tasted like doughnut.
“Are you saying cops eat doughnuts?” Earl’s dander was up now. Ralphie caught it and squirmed around whining in his throat, looking to come at me.
“I didn’t say that exactly,” I said.
He looked down at his little notebook and quoted. “Another cop ate it,” he read. He looked at me with an Ah Ha look on his face.
“That is not what I said,” I said. No my dander was up. If only I had a dog. I did have a cat but I suspected she was no match for the Shepherd. “I said, maybe… or probably, something like that. I didn’t say it was a fact.”
“So, you didn’t see who ate the doughnut?”
Mona shifted and held up the Plastic bag, smiling hopefully.
“No,” I said. “And anyway, you do that to dead people, right? Bag their hands to collect evidence? I watch CSI.. And, the dog, Ralphie, licked my hands all over… Wouldn’t that give you a … A…”
“A false positive for Dog saliva,” Mona supplied and smiled.
“Yeah.. I mean, well couldn’t it? And what else did the dog eat? What else might be on his tongue? That I could get blamed for!” I tugged my coat tightly around me.
“He hasn’t had his lunch yet,” Mona said. She bent down and ruffled the fur of Ralphie’s mane. “Have wooo bwabeee…” She cooed in baby talk.
“You are a big help there, Mona.” Earl said sarcastically.
“You’re welcome, Earl.” Mona said oblivious to the sarcasm. “Oh he was licking… Uh, uh licking too.” Mona added. She turned bright red and smiled harder at me.
“So… Well, that’s a false positive for dog… Dog ass,” I said indignantly.
“And balls,” Mona added, red faced and still smiling.
Ralphie whined and looked embarrassed.
“Oh wits okay bwaby bwaby,” Mona said. She bent and scratched Ralphie under the chin. “Hims wikes to lick his ballsy wallsies doesn’t him? Him does.” Ralphie licked her face and she popped her head back up flushing deeper red.
I grimaced and rubbed my hand against my jeans.“Him does… Him does,” I said to Earl.
“Mona, Jesus, Mona,” Earl the cop said. “You’re messing up the case!”
“Sorry, Earl,” Mona told him. She looked contrite. Ralphie whined up at her and she patted his head. Ralphie’s tongue fell out of his mouth, practically to the floor, and he panted happily.
“You don’t have case,” I said smugly.
Earl the cop sighed deeply. He looked down at Ralphie who was busily licking every inch of Mona’s face. “Traitor,” Earl told him.
“Oh him doesn’t mwean it bwaby waby,” Mona cooed.
Earl sighed again. “Him does mean it… Baby Waby,” Earl the cop muttered to Ralphie. Ralphie looked hurt but got to his feet and his tail began a slow wag. “Thanks for getting off my foot,” Earl added.
“Hey. I hate to break this up, but can I go,” I asked?
Earl frowned and fixed me with his best one eyebrow-ed serious look. “I know you know something about that doughnut.”
“I never saw that doughnut again after the first time, “ I said.
Ralphie looked from me to Earl to Mona and then back at Earl again. He began to sit back down. Scooting his butt over so he would be on Earl’s foot.
“No!” Earl said loudly. Ralphie stopped in mid squat and popped his butt back up the air as if to say…. I never meant to sit at all! … ‘Go on,” Earl said. But He wouldn’t meet my eye.
I stood for a second longer and then turned and walked away.
“So… Buy you a doughnut?” Earl asked Mona.
“Oh, Earl.. Couldn’t it be something except a doughnut? I hate doughnuts…”
I let their voices fall behind me. I made the door, stepped out into the bright sunshine and looked both ways. The street was empty in front of the doughnut shop. I decided on left and started walking. Midway down the block I reached into my pocket, pulled out the wrapped package that resided there, and peeled off the napkin. I reached the corner, waited for the light, and then took my first bite of Earl’s missing doughnut as the light changed and I crossed the street….
Hope you enjoyed this little sideways trip, or as Laura from Dreamer’s would say say it Side Slip in my head. I’m going to get Dell to write the Alien story. I feel sorry for the Korean kid though. I suspect the alien might change his mind…
Check out the Life Stories Books only available from Amazon…
All with FREE Previews!
Earth’s Survivors Life Stories: Billy
Earth’s Survivors Life Stories: Jack and Maria
Earth’s Survivors Life Stories: Bear
Earth’s Survivors Life Stories: Beth
Have a Great Week, see you Friday, Geo!